other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work. And in the end I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive.
These are the practices I’ve used in my own lab, my marriage, that have allowed my husband, Sam, and I to weather the family upsets, disappointments, setbacks, losses and other slings and arrows that most couples face. I’ve also used these powerful practices to help thousands of other couples create love that lasts.
The four keys to happily-ever-after are:
1) Spending Time Alone as A Couple;
2) Holding Listening Sessions;
3) Planning for Sex; and,
4) Resolving Conflict.
1) Spending Time Alone As A Couple
Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no attention-grabbing pets: just the two of you.
Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center in the early years of our marriage. Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn’t for sex! Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids’ play dates and activities. But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path.
What Saved Us
We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. It’s been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends.
2) Holding Listening