doomed.
What Saved Us
We realized that everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting. Everybody can.
But we wanted to stop our negative moments from exploding into World War III. We both knew that the World War III scenario was killing off our marriage. So we used a signal with each other to transform an incendiary exchange that was heading into battle into one that drew us together.
We realized that reality is, in a sense, like a ‘movie’ we are making all the time. If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice ‘rewinding the tape’ when you don’t like ‘the take.’ We agreed that either of us could call out “Take Two” whenever he/she was hurt or offended by an interaction. Then we would start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way-as a happy improv. If Sam had trouble saying the words I needed to hear on a Take Two, I would teach him and vice versa. This technique has saved us many many times!
The last time Sam and I were on a plane together we started snapping at each other and then we did a Take Two. I wound up sitting on his lap telling him a joke. The stewardess asked us how long we had been going out together! She was shocked when we answered, “Over 25 years!”
So there you have it: four magic practices that deliver excellence in your love relationship. If we can do it, so can you.
P.S. You can use these practices even if your partner won’t cooperate. On your own you can find a few minutes of couple time when you can be a good listener; act like you’re having an affair with