masochistic man succeeds in pleasing his dominant partner. Self-abuse is a common result of shame. Here, the person who is deeply shamed engages in masochistic behaviors that damage him. Seeking out the services of a dominatrix who may beat, whip and verbally humiliate him is one such way of self-abuse. The other side of the S&M coin is the desire to humiliate and administer pain to others. Shame is a threat to a person’s basic sense of being. The shamed person feels small weak, vulnerable and exposed. He may find this self-hatred to be unendurable and in order to survive psychologically, he transfers his hatred on to others, treating them with distain and contempt.
Dorothy Hayden, LCSW, is a New York-based psychotherapist who specializes in the sex therapy, Adult ADD and sexual addiction. She received her M.S.W. from New York University and her psychoanalytic training at the Post Graduate Center for Mental Health. She can be reached at dhayden@nyc.rr.com. www.sextreatment.com