Vampire Kisses Reviews

Review by E. A Solinas for Vampire Kisses
Rating:
“Vampire Kisses” is one of those books that leaves you wondering if the author wrote the thing ghastly mess as an elaborate parody.

And it honestly would not shock me if Ellen Schreiber intended the first book of her series to be that way — it’s basically an extended “Twilight”-style personal fantasy, with a pallid style and a pedestrian, shallow romance. The worst offense is Schreiber’s Mary Sue heroine, a self-absorbed little Hot Topic goth with the depth and wit of a kitten’s wading pool.

Raven (cliche name alert!) has always been obsessed with vampires and goth trappings, to the point of sitting outside Anne Rice’s house, and scorning the “combed, conservative, rich soccer snobs” at her “Dullsville” school. So she’s delighted when the local mansion is purchased by a mysterious rich family, and even more so when she is rescued (from a “preppy” guy) by a mall-goth “Gothic Guy, Gothic Mate, Gothic Prince.”

And because you can tell everything about a person by how they dress and look, it’s love at first bite.

While unwillingly working in a travel agency (with a conservative dress code… HORRORS!), Raven starts to hear rumors that Rich Goth Hottie may be a vampire. After she starts prowling around, she finds herself invited to Rich Goth Hottie’s mansion — and of course because she wears black, he knows she’s the only girl who can “accept him for who he really is.” Yep, he’s a vampire — and a soap-opera misunderstanding might disrupt her potential romance.

“Vampire Kisses” is one of those embarrassing stories that many teenage girls write about themselves — they are edgy, dark and oppressed by the two-dimensionally alike “snobs” who don’t appreciate them, until they find eternal love with a Hot Immortal Rich Dude. Most of these stories go unnoticed on fanfiction.net or other such sites, but sadly this one actually made it to print.

Unfortunately Ellen Schreiber’s writing style is pretty much on the same page. Most of the book is Raven whining about how painfully oppressed the poor wittle “gawthe” is, and how awesome her Rich Immortal Hottie is. Her style is painfully flat (“He stood before me, like a knight of night!”), and the dialogue is the stuff of nightmares, especially since Raven is supposedly mature and deep (“You people just don’t understand the pressure of being a teenager in my generation!”).

Yet there are moments where you wonder if Schreiber is actually playing an elaborate prank — such as Raven’s coworker (a fan of Lucite, white vinyl and red rhinestones) being referred to as “major class.” Is this woman for real? Not to mention the hilariously shallow approach to the world — according to Schreiber, if you dress like a Hot Topic Goth, you’re smart and wonderful; if you appear “normal,” you’re a pathetic mindless loser who hates anyone “different.”

Raven herself is the biggest joke of all — a selfish, shallow, whiny, malicious and pretentious Hot Topic Goth. All the other characters are two-dimensional cutouts — her lackey Becky, the Lurch clone, her clueless parents, and the random small-town jerks. Alexander the Rich Immortal Hottie (aka “the most fantabulous guy in the solar system”) is the only character explored, and he’s as boring as Raven.

“Vampire Kisses” is a romantic fantasy as shallow and pretentious as its heroine, to the point where it actually seems like a genre parody. As vampire stories go, this is completely bloodless.

Review by TeensReadToo.com for Vampire Kisses
Rating:
Sixteen-year old Raven Madison started her obsession with the dark side in kindergarten. While the teacher was asking her young students what they wanted to be when they grew up and getting the typical responses of nurse, fire fighter, and football player, young Raven answered the question the only way she knew how–she wanted to grow up to be a vampire.

Raven’s parents, Sarah and Paul, were typical hippies who spent their early years together waxing poetic about love and the music of the Grateful Dead. When Raven came along, they became slightly less hippie, in that they moved into an apartment instead of living in their Volkswagon van. Raven’s first years were spent surrounded by lava lamps and glow-in-the-dark posters, with her parents playing games with her, eating junk food, and watching old horror films on the small black and white television. All of that changed, though, when two things happened–her mother dared to give birth to a brother, endearingly termed Nerd Boy, and they forced her to go to school, every day.

Now sixteen, Raven is still the outcast that she found herself to be when she proclaimed her life’s ambition was to be a vampire. Now the only goth girl in a town dubbed Dullsville, Raven is still a social outcast who enjoys horror movies, black lipstick, and pushing her parents to the edge. Raven has no real friends except for Becky, a timid farm girl who lives on the wrong side of the tracks. None, that is, until the Sterling family moves into the dark, abandoned mansion sitting on top of Benson Hill.

Suddenly the whole town is talking about the mysterious Sterlings, especially the teenage son, Alexander. It’s said he hangs out in the cemetery at night, that he’s brought bats to town, that he’s pale and is never seen outside during the daytime. Could Alexander be a real, live vampire? If so, he could be Raven’s ticket out of this loser town. But does she really want to leave her family and real life behind to spend her days sleeping in a coffin? Or is all the hype just that–the ramblings and crazy speculation of a town who can’t stand for anyone to be different?

As Raven gets closer to Alexander, she realizes that being a vampire might not matter so much as being loved for who she is. As she deals with the small-minded people in her town, she just might find out that she’s not so different from the residents of Dullsville as she thought she was.

VAMPIRE KISSES is a good start to this entertaining vampire series by Ellen Schreiber. Although there are parts that appear too shallow for Raven’s character, and way too many exclamation points for my taste, I still recommend the story, and look forward to reading the next book in the series, KISSING COFFINS.

Reviewed by: Jennifer Wardrip, aka “The Genius”