other guys. We understand that it is an undeniable fact that other men have penetrated your inner mystery but we’d prefer to think that it didn’t really count.
For you, sex with other men was weird, uncomfortable and over quickly. You stared vacantly at the ceiling while their hairy-backed forms grunted brutishly over your unresponsive body. Luckily for you, we showed up and turned that humdrum swapping of bodily fluids into the Monaco Grand Prix of pleasurable experiences.
Yes, since you met us your body has become just one big orgasm bash, with us as the party liaison. At least, that’s what you should tell us, instead of something poetic like ‘You are my pole star’. Actually, that one might be okay in certain contexts.
‘Your Penis is Breathtaking’
While Mother Nature gave us superior upper-body strength, and the ability to watch The Notebook without crying, she kind of ran out of steam when it got to the finer details.
Unfortunately, when it was Male Genital Creation Day on Mother Nature’s calendar, she just grabbed a piece of skin, rolled it in her hands like a kid with Play-Doh and then stuck it between our legs. It’s no wonder we’re a little bit self-conscious when it comes to penile aesthetics.
So rather than waste your time with “You complete me’, choose to eliminate any architectural anxiety we might have about the masculine organ by telling us it has an elegant curvature, a statuesque symmetry or, at very least, a pleasing and unusual flesh tone.
‘You’re Hilarious’
Surprisingly, Dan Brown was wrong. The secret to existence is not hidden in the symbolism of the Mona Lisa. It’s encoded in YouTube videos of cats