Question by Shyne: Sacred of Sex?
I got married a month ago but within this time my husband and I were not able to consumate our marriage because everytime he starts touching me in my private parts I would literally tremble uncontrollably and i would get stiff all over. Needless to say, I’m scared of sex prabably because of a traumatic experience I had when I was 12, I almost got raped plus some stories of my friends that the first time always hurts and the bleeding thing scares me.
I had undergone counseling after that attempted rape incident and i thought I was Ok but i have always been wary and distant towards the opposite sex untill I met my husband who was a gentleman and was also raised in a conservative family who never pressed anything about sex matters. We been going striaght for 4 years before we got married last month.
he know everything about the incident and he understand and he said he will just wait untill I’m ready but its been a month and after many attempts its always been this way and I’m begining to get frustrated, ashamed and guilty for not being able to satisfy his needs. He never complained though and I would say
I’m so lucky to have him and I feel so inadequate. Help me please what am I going to do?
Best answer:
Answer by AnswerDude
Let him pleasure you orally!
Let him pleasure you with his hand!
You do the same to him!
Eventually you will WANT it and can’t imagine NOT doing it!
Give your answer to this question below!
get some sex therapy from a professional
I totally understand
Seek professional help.
This doesn’t sound like a light, or shallow, situation.
And have you tried pleasuring yourself as well?
First of all, forget all these horible stories that you have heard over the years. Sex IS NOT a bad thing. Now if you love your husband, you will enjoy the first time. The key is that for some people it hurts more than others for different reasons. One of the main ones is if you are lubricated enough. Your body should lubricate itself and you should be fine, but you might not be in your preticular case. Try buying some lubrcant at the store. That will make it not hurt nearly as much. There is a small pain when he “pops” your cherry, but as soon as the pain subsides, its pleasure, and you will think it’s worth is.
You need to relax, as much as you can, maybe he could give you a massage first, to get you loosened up, and then you could try again (with the lubricant). And don’t worry, after the first or second time, you won’t need any lubricant, because your body will lubricate itself.
My wife had been raped 4 months before we met and it took her months to be able too do much with me. The first many times we started fooling around she would start to cry and push me away. All I could do is hold her and assure her I was not him.
Remember that he is your husband, he is not trying to hurt you, he is trying to love you and show you that love. If he was truly trying to hurt you, he would have forced himself on you already. But he has not and will not until you are ready. If you can grasp that and let yourself go when in the moment, you will understand how much he truly loves you and cares for you. When you finally can, you will see that he will probably hesitate, needing to know that you are truly ready.
Good Luck.
Get drunk 😉
Sorry. Just try to get as relaxed as possible.
Be brave, its just not that bad. You are at risk of living a dysfunctiuonal life. Alcohol may help you worry less.
I think that you just need to remember. This is you husband and he LOVES you. This is will be totally different from anything you have ever done. A husband and wife have a special sexual chem. Take it slow if you need him too but you have to remember that he is not just after you as a piece of meet but it’s away of expressing how much he loves you.
From what you have told us above I don’t think he would do anything to hurt you. You have to TRUST him!
Don’t worry about what you friends say sex is different for everyone. Some people bleed and hurt others don’t.
honestly, if you feel uncomfortable then you need to wait much longer. hopefully, he truly is a nice enough guy to wait until your ready. i would suggest to go to counseling. also, talk to your husband about this immediatly, so that he can make a decision to either wait, or leave you. hopefully again I hope he’s the right one to wait for your recovery.
god bless, and hang on you’ll make it through.
I think you are indeed a very fortunate person to have a husband so devotedly caring towards you. It is a rare (very rare) gemstone in a never ending cycle of relationship crisis.
Distress is the byproduct of impressions that have kept you safe so far from a promiscuous lifestyle by programming your subconscious with dread and fear.
You have reached the time where intimacy (the sacred quality) is blocked, and seriously at risk, because experience has no physical memory beyond your virginity.
Imagination is your only experience to guide you to the next level of love. Sadly, your imagination inspires fear.
The subconscious is far more powerful than the main conscious will ever be.
It requires a focused effort, and at least “21 days” to overwrite the messages that entrap us.
Logic and reason won’t alter any of the messages that your subconscious has accepted as “true”. They serve a purpose which is to “Keep You Safe”.
You must choose a new message to overwrite what has been historically implanted in your mind until now.
A formula for programming the subconscious is to continually repeat a message or series of messages over and over for at least 21 days.
One doesnt need to believe the message to be true for it to work (and work it will).
There is a law of nature that creates order from chaos.
Here is a guided meditation that may suit.
I want you to imagine you are in a comfortable room with 1000 doors.
Relax.
1 door leads home to everything you have always known.
The remaining 999 doors all open with the same key, but each door leads to a different world.
The key is your maidenhood.
Outside each door a man stands, but he has only one image.. he looks exactly like your husband.
A voice speaks to you from far off. It says…” Many of these doors lead to pain, misery and doom.
And some of these doors lead to success and wealth.”
A handful lead to happiness,and bliss, but there is one door that opens to security and love.
Imagine you have spent your lifetime wandering past each door never sure which door to take, only knowing that danger hides behind so many of them.
At each door the man tries to draw you in, but you resist.
The voice speaks again and tells you to choose a door to pass through.
As you gaze at the 999 doors, it suddenly occurs to you that you already know the doors you “Will Not Choose” and the faces change, they no longer all look like your husband.
The voice tells you to take away the doors you wont enter.
You are now in a room with 499 doors left and the voice says to take away every door that doesnt feel warm to your heart.
As you watch,the figures that once looked like your husband take on different features and door after door fades away, now only a hanful of doors remain.
Your heart begins to beat fast as you are drawn to one door. You notice that the image of your husband is smiling and outside all the remaining doors are people both living and dead who have loved you and they are all happy.
The voice speaks again ” It is safe”
You are gliding past all the happy people who seem to be celebrating something.
You stand before your husband. You see love and patience and security.
You know why everyone is so happy for you now.
But you call to the voice “I am frightened”
The voice replies..” You are safe ”
The voice is so strong and full of care you relax and as your husband picks you up and as the door opens you say to yourself…
I feel safe, I feel loved, I feel warm in my husbands arms….I feel safe I feel loved I feel warm in my husbands arms.
And as you look beyond the door you hear the happy laughter of children that can only come with love. You see the most beautiful landscapes unlike anything you have seen before.
You sense rather than feel your husbands hands caressing your body and you think to yourself I am safe I am loved I am warm to my husbands touch.
You begin to feel sensations you havnt felt before. You wonder what they are. The feelings bring you pleasure. Your mind allows itself to drift into dream
and you are carried through the door for the first time. You already know you have made the right choice.
And you say I am safe I am warm I am one with my husbands love.
The meditation is a visual aid to the message, but I believe that if you are able to attack your mind with something like this repetitively and if you can visualise to a deep level, you will surely overcome your subconscious before the usual 21 days.
Best wishes