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The best and by far most entertaining are from The Onion. Here are some new ones for this week!

Your Birthday Today
While one’s sense of hearing is often the first to go, with you it’ll be the sense of dignity.

Aries March 21 – April 19
You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when your death is so unexpected and tragic that it lives on in the mind of fear-seized men for centuries to come.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
While it’s natural for human beings to be resistant to change, it’s probably time you started accepting some from generous passersby.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
You will realize who your real friends are this week when a local doctor finally prescribes you some much-needed antipsychotics.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
The old adage “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” will feel especially apt next week when you’re forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.

Leo July 23 – August 22
Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn’t have the right to vote.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week’s car accident.

Libra September 23 – October 23
You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21
A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Drained both physically and emotionally, you will find comfort this week in the arms of a rather spacious leather couch.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you’ll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Postcoital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really beginning to annoy your partner.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.